mystery dungeon story part 10
Chapter 10 - Through Memory Lake
"So Mirage remember when we got attacked in that monster house?" Leo mentioned as he started to open team Hopefinders bag.
"Yes, the one I warned you about not to go to." Mirage reminded Leo, though she knew that she might have warned him a bit too late.
"Well… I was able to find 3 oran berries and a sitrus berry." Leo slowly took the berries out of the bag, knowing the journey ahead will be long and hard.
"Wait a sitrus berry!? I've heard those are so-o-o juicy and sweet; Can I have it pretty please?" Growlithe was begging. Leo was picking up the sitrus berry, about to give it to Growlithe.
Suddenly, Mirage grabs Leo "Don't do it, sitrus berries have a special effect when your at full health when you are in a mystery dungeon. We should just eat the oran berries instead, plus sitrus berries are quite rare it would be a waste to eat it right now." Leo now realizing his mistake puts the oran berry back into the bag.
Team Hopefinders started to eat the oran berries and began a conversation. "So I forgot to ask you earlier, how many floors are in this dungeon?" Leo was a bit curious since they were on floor 12.
"Yeah about that… there are 50 floors." Mirage answered.
"50 floors?!?" Leo was shocked about this, did they even have enough supplies to make it 38 more floors.
"That's a lot of floors, but I know that we can make it through here and to Uxie; We're Team Hopefinders after all." Growlithe encouraging words (the oran berries too though mostly the words), helped Team Hopefinder moral, making them able to get through multiple floors.
"Are you sure we don't have another apple?" Leo was wondering searching through a now almost empty bag, no sight of any apples. Team Hopefinders continued to the next floor. They then saw something in the next room; a red and gold floor, items scattered about, and a Kecleon right in the center of it.
"Welcome to the Kecleon shop. Does anything catch your intrest?" In the center of the items was a big, red, juicy apple.
"How much does that cost?" Leo, asked for he was fatigued from hunger.
"Oh.. so your interested in the big apple? That will be 200 poké." Leo searched team Hopefinders bag, and was able to find enough poké to pay for the big apple.
"Thank you. Please come again." Kecleon yelled.
"Why was their a Kecleon Shop in a mystery dungeon?" Leo was pretty confused, he thought that Kecleon only sold his inventory in Breeze town.
"So-o-o you don't know Leo… Kecleon is the BIGGEST store franchise, and the only one shop that was able to set up locations inside mystery dungeons." Growlithe explained. "On the contrary the Kecleons who runs shops in mystery dungeon are a way, way more aggressive."
"What do you mean Growlithe? Kecleon didn't seem that aggressive." Leo really couldn't see how Kecleon was that aggressive, in fact Kecleon seemed the opposite of aggressive.
"What Growlithe means to say that they aren't friendly to people who take their goods." Mirage interrupted. "Those who dare steal from Kecleon… Well lets just say it doesn't go well, they always come back bruised with their moral, bags, and wallets empty."
…
Leo, Mirage, and Growlithe continued going through the mystery dungeon, floor by floor, enemy by enemy, and trial after trial. "We're almost there only 2 more floors to go." Mirage told Growlithe and Leo. "Wait! Be quiet we don't want to wake it up." Mirage pointed to a powerful looking Salamence sleeping right by the exit to the next floor.
"Well we need to get through, I guess I'll just rush past him." Leo started dashing toward the door, the Salamence's eyes started to open. Suddenly, Leo turned around dashing in the opposite direction. "RUN!"
Salamence continued to chase them, they ran throughout the dungeon floor. While team Hopefinders was running Leo picked up some strange wand off the ground. "What is this?" Leo said raising the wand up in the sky.
"That is a stay away wand, can you quickly aim it at the Salamence." Mirage was yelling. Leo steadied his aim straight for the Salamence when he released a beam hit the Salamence and it was nowhere to be seen.
"What happened to that Salamence that was chasing us Mirage?" Leo was confused because the Salamence was no longer in sight.
"Well the stay away wand first teleports the target to a different place on the floor then gives them the petrified status condition. I knew that if you used it the Salamence would no longer chase us." Mirage explained.
"Well we now need to get back to the floor exit." Growlithe said.
…
After finishing the final two floors team Hopefinders finally got to Uxie.
"I've been expecting you Mirage the Hisuin Zorua, Leo the human turned Chikorita, and Lilly the Growlithe."
Both Mirage and Leo out of shock turned toward Growlithe. "Your real name is Lilly?!"
Comments
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I panicked a little while reading the part about Kecleon. Also the part with the Salamence was really good.
You still forget to use commas sometimes, so instead of pointing out places that should have had commas again, I'm going to give you advice on how to know when to use them; read the dialogue in your head, and if it stops for a short moment, try to put a comma there (and also if you start a sentence with "well" it usually needs a comma after "well." Like "Well, aaaa aaa aaa aaaaa")
""That is a stay away wand, can you quickly aim it at the Salamence." Mirage was yelling." You can use exclamation marks or all caps to show that a character is yelling. Writing yelling like normal dialogue makes it look strange.
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i just had a crazy Idea what if I wrote a joke chapter that '"takes place" when they get back from Pecharunt and they take a rest and it goes into Leo's dream where he dreams about the words that cutiefly said in chapter "wouldn't it be better if the world went poof" and Leo thought she meant fluffy world. I'm think the title should be if I ever did make it chapter -8.3141592 Wooloo Moonoo
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A joke chapter could be fun. And a difficult challenge. But It's my opinion you should not not keep it serious.
This is kind of a minor thing because it's a style thing but the part where Growlithe says to leave the floor is abrupt. You go from conflict to a sign off really quickly and I'm not experienced enough writing to give you any advice on how to adjust it. Shrug ...Maybe I could have done better...
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wonderful writing man, honestly, a bit more detailed language might help, not only with the length of the overall piece, but just make it sound that little bit better.
Such as
"Both Mirage and Leo out of shock turned toward Growlithe. "Your real name is Lilly?!"
"
To
"Both Mirage and Leo, out of shock, turned toward Growlithe, mouths agape. "Your real name is Lilly?!"
"
Just my opinion though, my writing style is closer to poetry than stories0 -
Honestly I think "mouths agape" is a bit too much. Shock/shocked is good enough. Like "Both Leo and Mirage turned towards Growlithe, shocked; "Your real name is Lilly?!""
Honestly I have no idea if I used ";" properly there but it looked like it fit what I wanted to express.
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