Mystery Dungeon Story Part 9
Chapter 9- A Tropical Encounter
Team Hopefinder continues their way to Memory Lake on their quest to find the legendary pokemon Uxie.
"I have a question for you Mirage. How difficult is Memory Lake?" Leo was wondering since their last battle they had with Pecharunt left them pretty bruised up.
"Trust me, we're almost there." Mirage said subtly knowing the journey they’ve been on has been long and hard especially for both Growlithe and Leo. Mirage then spotted something in the distance; she rubbed her tired eyes to see the start of the Memory Lake dungeon.
“Guys! Guys! Do you see it to? It’s the start of the dungeon!” Growlithe said enthusiastically though still extremely drowsy from the long night walk.
Team Hopefinder was about to enter the dungeon just then Leo stopped them “Maybe it’s a good idea to get some rest. It would be better for us to fall asleep now instead of the dungeon in case of an ambush.”
“ That’s one of the first non-gullible ideas that has come to your head. I guess I am feeling sleepy.” Mirage yawned
Team Hopefinders found a nice shady spot under a group of trees and took a well deserved nap.
“I’m pretty sure the trail leads this way Comfey.”
“Wait a second I think I see them! great work Bellosom.” A voice said that was small and calming.
“Oh no I think we’ve been found!” Leo Panicked. “Quick inside the mystery dungeon.”
Team Hopefinders ran straight Toward Memory Lake, which might have tooken quite a bit of their strength and energy of which they had little.
After a little while of going through the dungeon Leo encountered something “Hey! Mirage can you identify what this ball is?”
“No way you actually found an all power up orb! This will actually be useful if we encounter that Comfey and her team.” Mirage mentioned
“Wait a second!” Leo started to gasp “There’s a room full of items right there.” Leo dashed with full speed into the room without thinking.
“Leo what are you thinking that’s an obvious monster house!” It was two late Leo was already surrounded by those illusionary husk.
“I’m coming to help you!” Growlithe ran straight there and quickly used flamethrower.
Mirage was hesitant to help, then memories popped into her head. Leo was her first real friend. She had to help him, he was the one that helped her accomplish her dreams, the one that stuck with her through perilous time, the one who did anything to help and would do anything to help, and the one she could truly call her friend. “I’m coming!” Tears going down her eyes.
After a while Team Hopefinders finally defeated all the monster house pokemon.
“Surrender you three! Team Tropical will put your shenanigans to an end!” Comfey said
“Hey Leo? Do you still have that all power up orb?” Mirage questioned
“Yeah I do. Why?” Leo was curious why.
“USE IT NOW!” Mirage screamed.
Leo activated the orb. A power surged through Growlithe, Mirage, and Leo.
“Psybeam” Exeggutor charged a powerful beam straight toward mirage! Mirage then powered a powerful Shadow Ball which broke through the psybeam and knocked Exeggutor out!
“How could this happen!” Comfey had a spark of fear in her eye. Leaves flew past her and straight toward Mirage. “Good job bellosom.” Said Comfey as the fear started to go away.
“Why are they all targeting me?” Mirage was pretty upset.
“I’ve got your back” Growlithe said as she released a powerful flamethrower that scorched Bellosom that she fainted.”
The fear in Comfeys eye grew “Please don’t make us disappear.” Comfey was begging for mercy.
“You were the ones who accused us for the disappearances, we had nothing to do with them though.” Mirage mentioned. “Who told you this?”
“Cutiefly told the town.” Comfey admitted.
“My team and I was going to find Uxie, can you guys leave so we can continue on our quest?” Mirage asked.
”well I guess so since it wasn’t you.” Comfey said as she held up an escape orb teleporting her Exeggutor and Bellosom out of the dungeon.”
“Let’s Move forward” mirage beckoned toward team Hopefinders.
Comments
-
“Guys! Guys! Do you see it to? It’s the start of the dungeon!” Growlithe said enthusiastically though still extremely drowsy from the long night walk.
should be too
Team Hopefinders found a nice shady spot under a group of trees and took a well deserved nap.
“I’m pretty sure the trail leads this way Comfey.”
i think there could be a transition between these sentences to show that they were quickly interrupted or woken up
Team Hopefinders ran straight Toward Memory Lake, which might have tooken quite a bit of their strength and energy of which they had little.
this could be more decisive since it was actually happening and not something that might happen, like saying it was taking their strength in that moment
i liked the moment of resolve going into the monster house together
After a while Team Hopefinders finally defeated all the monster house pokemon.
“Surrender you three! Team Tropical will put your shenanigans to an end!” Comfey saidagain there could be a transition to make it more clear that comfey caught up to them and appeared in the scene before they start talking
1 -
the battle works pretty well for the short skirmish it is, comfey being all talk without her goons was a funny moment and i like that they only attack after being attacked
“I’ve got your back” Growlithe said as she released a powerful flamethrower that scorched Bellosom that she fainted.”
end reads kind of off, was this meant to be scorched Bellossom "so hard" that she fainted?
1 -
There are a few spelling mistakes (to instead of too, two instead of too, maybe one or two others I missed) and a few places that should have had a comma (“I’ve got your back” Growlithe said as she released a powerful flamethrower that scorched Bellosom that she fainted.” or 'well I guess so since it wasn’t you' or 'Growlithe ran straight there and quickly used flamethrower'. 'Team Hopefinder was about to enter the dungeon just then Leo stopped them' 'Mirage said subtly knowing or “I’ve got your back” Growlithe said as she released a powerful flamethrower that scorched Bellosom that she fainted.” '...enthusiastically though still extremely drowsy'), a few awkward sounding sentences or parts (I think there should have been a line noting that Comfey and her team appeared before Comfey talked for example), and capital letters in places they shouldn't be ('Let’s Move forward” mirage beckoned toward team Hopefinders.' or 'straight Toward Memory Lake'). And although this next thing is about a big portion of the story and not just this part, I think some parts needed more setup and time before them so it doesn't feel like some parts are sudden or like the story is going too fast (Pecharunt definitely needed some more time before the plot twist was revealed, I also think there should have been one or two more parts before Pecharunt disappeared and they got exiled so that the friendship between the three members has a little more time to develop). Remember that it's ok to take your time when writing a story, and rushing to the next big reveal or fight can make that reveal or fight feel less impactful. I also think you should develop and explore more characters than the ones in team Hopefinders, it helps make the story feel alive and more real.
You've improved a lot though , good job! I love the part with Leo unknowingly walking into the Monster House and the fights, they were written pretty well. I also like that you hinted throughout the part that there would be a fight against Comfey's team when they tried to rest and when Leo found the orb instead of making them appear suddenly.
1 -
I think that sounds good, you probably should. But keep in mind to make it fit in and not make it seem like a much later episode (try to remember how much a character knows and where they are at at that point in the story, like Leo not knowing what monster Houses are before this part).
0
