Mystery Dungeon Story Part 11
Chapter 11 - Uxie's decision
"Oh must be so shocking that she didn't tell you her name, when she considers you guys friends."
"Uxie that was rude please don't do that again, we've only come to ask you about the disappearances & how to stop them."
"I know you say that, but I know your true intention you want to find your parents, that's the whole reason you started a rescue team. I'm not wrong, admit it."
"Wow nothing I've heard about Uxie is true, I thought you readily give knowledge and lead people who find them toward their goals."
"I am helping you Hisuin Zorua, by telling you absolutely nothing some people are just not worthy to have info shared with them."
"STOP! You are bullying my friends I might often be called naive but I know when my friends are getting hurt, stop being an egotistical know it all, in the end we came all this way looking for info and help, maybe just maybe we can do this on our own."
"Silllllly Chickorita I am helping you and your friends, its also fun to point out your imperfections."
"We really need directions, what if more people we treasure go away… What if I lose my dad."
"Well that's inevitable I'm afraid, though I am really putting the hope of the world on you, sigh the way I act is to guarantee higher chance for your success. My time is short I will ONLY give you the next step the rest you just have to stumble through. There will be a quest to the abandoned garden available, you have to accept that quest. I recently sent Azelf to clear your name, me and Mesprit will soon disappear. I have set you up for success, it's now your time to solve this threat."
Lilly, Mirage, and Leo teleported out of their with their rescue badges back to breeze town. Instead of being disliked by the residents, just like Uxie said. Azelf told the town of some of things Uxie told at the meeting.
Team Hopefinders took a quest that was in the abandoned garden.
Note from author I know this wasn't that good I just didn't have much ideas for this chapter which I needed this more of a transition chapter so I could connect the story so be very very harsh in your advice.
Comments
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I'm very sorry if this comment sounds a bit too harsh but you asked for it to be (I also might sound a little aggressive here, sorry for that, it's not my intention)
The way Uxie acts is quite different from in Chapter 9.5.
The word for something from Hisui is Hisuian not Hisuin.
Instead of being disliked by the residents, just like Uxie said. Azelf told the town of some of things Uxie told at the meeting.
That part sounds really weird, it would sound slightly better if the full stop was a comma though it would still look a little bit weird.
Team Hopefinders took a quest that was in the abandoned garden
What is the quest? Why is it so sudden with no interaction with any other characters or anything? How did they take the quest? What even is the abandoned garden? Nothing is explained here.
Also since you don't actually say which characters are saying what it's a little hard to read. Just having a "Character name:" thing before the dialogue could've made it easier, and even though it's not a very good method to say which character is saying what if you're writing a story with no images, it's easy and is good enough.
It also goes WAY too fast.
My biggest problems with this chapter are how it just suddenly says "everyone likes them again now" instead of showing it (and how sudden all of it is) and the lack of interaction with other characters or the world making it feel very empty. It's not very hard to tell that you just wanted to transition to the next part of the story as soon as possible. This did have some potential for a few interesting scenes too (for example, we could see Pollen's reaction to Azelf's words which would be a very good introduction to them (plus not showing a character until the end is very hard to pull off without them feeling sudden, random, or not very well written), we could see what Azelf said, the people's reactions, probably a few other things I didn't think of).
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I'd just like to mention that I am NOT a professional writer and am just sharing my opinion on what I think could have been better.
DO NOT TAKE ANY OF MY ADVICE AS FACT, EVEN IF IT HELPS YOU. I make mistakes very often, and even if I give good advice occasionally I might accidentally give some bad advice as well, since I'm not a professional writer with college degrees or anything similar. I am just a random person on the internet.
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yeah I might have rushed it and honestly I probably will edit and redo this I am that disapointed with my work I was originally going ahead and have Mesprit come and talk with Uxie after they left with uxie explaining why she acted why she acted and how it was part of the other choice mentioned in 9.5 but again I really did rush this chapter since It kind of got me at a roadblock which in the end lessened the quality of the story and my personal oppinion is I really could have done better i had originally planned for uxie to not tell them that much but I think that resulted in uxie telling them too little in return hurting the story I am sorry I rushed this yeah so please give me any ideas for my rework of this chapter
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I agree with UnovanZorua, starting a quote with like Uxie:"..." Or Chikorita:"..." Would make things so the reader doesn't have to guess who is saying what. It could be intentional to not use it when it is obvious(when there are only two pokemon) but if there are more, or the story shifts and there are quotes again in a short amount of time then it would just make the text have more clarity.
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