Pokemon Mystery Dungeons Story 2 part 2
Chapter 2 - The Journeys Start
Bella, Mesprit, and Snivy set off on their journey back to Breeze Town, "Hey Snivy! I've been wondering what your name is? Also how do you know your way around this forest so well?" Bella kept on asking questions, trying to get some answers while they both carried a barely conscious mesprit. The snivy was for the most part ignoring her. The group suddenly came across a split path. "Which way should we go to get to Breeze Town?"
Rebe knew that the right path was a quick easy way to get to town but the left path lead to a mystery dungeon that goes to the town, maybe he could lost them in the mystery dungeon. "I'm pretty sure its the left path," Rebe then lead the way to the entrance of the mystery dungeon. "Welp I guess we have to go through a mystery dungeon. There is said to be husks of Pokémon that never return from these mystery dungeon endlessly wondering attacking all foes that they come too see." Rebe looked over to see if he had scared the shiny popplio yet, though the popplio looked 100% unfazed by his statement. He knew his only chance now is to lose them in the mystery dungeon.
Mesprit, Rebe, and the shiny Popplio entered into the mystery dungeon. On the first too floors, luckily were right next to the stairs too Rebe's dismay. The final floor, however, the three did not start near the stairs this time, Rebe then suggested his final chance to try and get away from this responsibility, "We should split up, it will speed up the time it will take to find the stairs." Rebe had other plans if he found the stairs first he would leave those two behind to find their own way to Breeze Town, and if he found the exit second he would wait for them to leave then trail back and take the right path, his plan was foolproof. "So you to should take the north path and I'll take the south. Also if I'm not there its okay to get out of the dungeon since Breeze town is just straight from the exit." Rebe then continue heading south thinking that he would never have to see those two again.
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"Hey Mesprit, was the thing that snivy said about the pokemon husk true? He had a somewhat victorious smile on his face when he said it like he just accomplished something great." Bella was intrigued by the mystery dungeon and wanted to know more about them. She also knew that she was never going to get any trustworthy answers out of that snivy.
"Well… some of it is true they are husks of heroes from fallen world, and they will attack without reason, though even if you are in a dungeon for multiple days you will still have your sanity. So I guess that part is false. Though I feel that you were asking out of interest and not of skepticism so if you want to know more about mystery dungeons just ask me." Mesa knew that Bella felt excited, and adventurous but she felt something in Bella that not even Bella was aware of, regret. Bella and Mesprit continued on the path. In the distance they found a clearing and on the ground was a bunch of poké.
Bella ran up to it and started to gather the poké. "Hey Mesprit should we try to look for the owner of the poké? Someone is probably devastated right now wondering where their poké might have went." Bella was looking left and right, Mesprit inched closer and tapped Bella on the shoulder.
"Hey Bella I know that you want to do something nice but that is no ones poké, when you go into a mystery dungeon not only are the floors random, but so are the items that may appear in a dungeon which does include poké." Bella then gathered up the poké and started to carry it. Bella liked exploring this dungeon it felt nice and calm and very soothing.
"Hey this dungeon isn't half bad I can see the path continuing forward. Hey Mesprit? I wonder how snivy is doing?" Bella kept moving forward (the best she could because she had flippers) the path seemed to make a sharp turn. "Well let's go forward."
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"I finally got away from that sparkle fest. I don't want to house another shiny rather than my brother who was destined for greatness, a brother who is gone so often that I only really see him before him and his friend whose part of a team called Team Glint. I mean his adventures kept him away all the time and he's always hanging out with that shiny hisuian zorua, Whisper, which is ironically the daughter of the two heroes that prevented the impending destruction of this world. Why am I talking to myself again. I know no one can feel my loneliness." Rebe continued to go forward, after a little while he encountered a husk of a zigzagoon, it's shadow like eyes stared into his soul, it then jumped and tried to bite Rebe. Rebe grabbed it with a vine whip and after a two hits it faded away.
Rebe encountered 7 more of these husk on his way through the dungeon. He was feeling tired and beaten up but then he saw it the stairs in the distance he used the last of his strength to get over to it but it wasn't enough.
…
"Hey Snivy wake up, are you alright?" Rebe didn't know what he was hearing but he knew that he must be getting help in some way. After a moment he heard steps and then felt himself get put down somewhere, the strangers were talking he tried to make out what they were saying. "Can — — — an — — — that — — — clearing." The other stranger then responded with something similar which he could make out a little better. "I — go — an — berry — that — in — clearing." After a while he felt the taste of an oran berry in his mouth he started to get more strength his vision started to unblur revealing the two strangers to be that shiny Popplio and the Mesprit. He knew that the least he could do for them was let them stay at his place even if he did so reluctantly. "I'm sorry I didn't introduce myself earlier when you asked I'm Rebe, I was pretty reluctant to help you guys since I have a twin who's shiny who always gets all the attention pretty much leaving me behind in the dust, I don't hate him though I do wish that we could go back to old times when he wasn't one of the busiest adventurers in all of Breeze Town."
Bella was troubled by what Rebe said she didn't know why but she felt that she has heard this exact same thing before but from where. "Hey I'm Bella, I don't really know how I got here I just woke up in a clearing some where and found Mesprit uncounsious. I used to be human but have lost all memories from when I was human."
"That sounds to farfetch'd to be true, though I guess I'll take your word for it. Plus Breeze Town's just this way I'll show you where my house is."
Comments
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- You used too instead of both "to" and "two" (On the first too floors...........too Rebe's dismay). You also used "to" instead of too near the end. I understand that two, too, and to can be confusing sometimes, so I decided to make a mnemonic (I think that's the right word): "Two" has a DOUBLE u in it, so it's the number 2."Too" has an O, and another O too. And "to"... couldn't figure out something for it. Sorry if this is bad, unhelpful, unnecessary, or makes it worse.
- The part where Snivy talks about his story to himself sounds strange. He's talking like he's explaining it to someone instead of talking to himself.
- Farfetch'd is a Pokémon. Farfetched is a word.
- There are a few commas missing, but it's only a few. Also, I think the second comma when Rebe was explaining his story to Bella and Mesprit could have been a full stop.
- There were a few words I think you used wrong. For example, you're not supposed to use "which" to refer to a person.
- Also, you forgot capitalise a few names (corrected versions of the names you forgot to capitalise: "......Hisuian Zorua", "I wonder how Snivy is doing?", "….the Snivy was....", "....the shiny/Shiny Popplio yet, though the Popplio looked...."). I don't remember whether the words Mystery Dungeon or Shiny were supposed to be capitalised or not though.
There were a few parts that I think looked like they could be worded better, but English being my second language means they might actually sound completely normal to a native English speaker.
Also, sorry if you wanted more criticism about the story, but the reason I didn't criticise it was because it's pretty good so far. The main issue right now in my opinion is the grammar, since bad grammar makes a story hard to read.
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I've only ever played a little bit of Explorers of Sky, emulated. It was kind of hard with the controls, but the fun part is I recorded like most of the play session.
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